Tears No More

Nothing lasts forever. Holding on to something or someone you love might be tiring one day. Like a leaf in a tree, I am trying my best to hold still, trying not to leave behind the one I love. But no matter how hard I endeavor to cling like a vine, there is something that forces me to leave.

Like the wind, this disease that devours my weak body and mind blows me away from her. Every day and night, I see her shedding tears because of me. And it pains me. Who, among you, desire to see your loved ones’ faces being flooded with tears out of loneliness? Out of suffering?

For two weeks, I’ve been confined in this exclusive hospital. For two weeks, I’ve been visited by my lover, Rhoma. So it means that she’s been shedding tears for 14 consecutive days. According to my doctor, I still have one day to live. And that makes me happy. Weird? Maybe. But I don’t care. If this weirdness were her savior from this misery, then I would be willing to become weird as long as I live.

One day and I am going to leave her. It is really hard for me. Saying goodbye to Rhoma would be the hardest thing to do. She still doesn’t know that she would be single after 24 hours or less. I am still confused if I am going to tell her the truth. This might add tears to her. And I hate it. Somebody, help me please.

Tonight, she’ll be visiting me again. Maybe, I will tell her the truth later. I don’t know how she is going to react. I know she would be angry. But what could I do? If you were in my place, would you dare tell her the truth? Maybe yes. Maybe no. I’m getting sleepy now. I think the drug injected to me causes this drowsiness.

When I woke up, I felt immediately her presence. I heard the sounds of her crying. I slowly opened my eyes and looked toward her direction. She looked “more dead” than me. Her eyebags were obviously black, thick. Her face was very white. She looked really dead except for her wailing and tears.

She laid her eyes on me, stood up and approached me. And she said, “How could you do this to me? I have loved you for years.” She paused for a while and spoke again. “Never did I request anything from you except for your love. Never did I forget our anniversaries. Never did I get angry with you. Never did I forget to love you. All these years, I thought you really love me.”

“I love you. I really do.” I interrupted her.

She continued. “You love me? Really? But how could you keep a simple truth from me? How could you do this to me? How dare you not tell me that you are going to leave me so soon? I had no idea. I don’t know.” She sobbed again.

“Do you think it is that easy for me? The thought of leaving you alone in this vast world truly hurts me. What more if I really leave you? Without anyone to look after you. Without anyone to guide you. To wipe your tears when you cry. To be leaned on to. To serve as your light in the dark. I love you. I just don’t know how to say goodbye to you, without hurting you.”

After she heard my words, she turned and walked away. I saw her wipe her tears before she even reached the door. My heart beat very slowly. With that, I know that I could now sleep peacefully, serenely. And I am really certain that this will put an end to her suffering. And it would be tears no more.

Bye Rhoma. Forever.

Ang Snow at si Lolo Amboy

Matagal nang pinapangarap ni Lola Tasing na makakita ng snow. Ang makapaglaro at makapglandi nito.

Ito na siguro ang pagkakataong pinakamimithi nya. Sigurado sya, matutupad na.

Unti-unti nyang binilot at ikinorteng bola ang malalambot na snow. Isa-isang inihagisni Lola Tasing ang mga nabuong bolang snow sa mga kapwa matatanda na kasama nya. Maya-maya nakipaglandian na rin ang mga ito sa kanya.

Para silang mga batang sabik sa paglalaro. Hindi mailarawan ng mga salita ang kasiyahang nararamdaman nila.

Bawat matanda ay may kanya-kanya nang hawak na bola ng nyebe. Bato rito. Bato roon. Wala silang pakialam sa ginagawa nilang pagkakalat.

“Tasing, saluhin mo ang bolang ito.” Narinig ni Lola Tasing na isinigaw ni Lolo Amboy ang mga katagang iyon. Subalit paglingon nya ay sa mukha sya natamaan. Ngayon lang nalaman ni Lola Tasing na may lasa pa lang hindi kaaya-aya ang nyebe.

Nilapitan sya ni Lolo Amboy para humingi ng tawad sa pagtama ng snow sa mukha nya. Naulinigan nya nilang dalawa ang tuksuhang hatid ng makukulit na sina Lola Saring, Lola Buding at Lolo Uring.

Tinawanan lamang nina Lola Tasing at Lolo Amboy ang asarang iyon. Nakita ni Lola Tasing ang pagkindat sa kanya ni Lolo Amboy. May hatid na kilig ang ginawang ito sa kanya ni Lolo Amboy.

Maya-maya ay may nagbukas ng pinto. Pumasok ang tatlong tao. Isang magandang babae at dalawang matitipunong lalaki. Nakakasilaw sa mata ang malilimis at mapuputi nilang kasuotan. Hindi sinasadyang natamaan ang tatlong ito ng nyebe na gawa ng mga matatanda.

Galit na galit ang tatlo, waring mga enkantado at enkantadang handang parusahan ang mga nagkasala sa kalikasan.

“Yuck. Ang baho.” Sigaw ng magandang babae. “Guard!! Guard!! Bilisan mo. Nagkakagulo na rito.”

Sandali lang at dumating na ang tinawag na gwardya. Ikinagulat ito nina lolo’t lola.

“Paghiwa-hiwalayin mo ang mga matatandang iyan. Papaliguan nyo at ang baho-baho o.” utos at komento pa ng magandang babae.

“Masusunod po, Doktora.” sagot ng bagong dating na gwardya.

“Huwaaaaaaaaaag. Huwag nyo kaming paghiwalayin. Hindi ko makakayanan na magkalayo kami.” sigaw ni Lola Tasing.

“Hindi kami makakapayag na paglayuin kami ni Tasing. Bitawan mo ako.” matigas na pananalita ni Lolo Amboy.

Ilang sandali pa at dumating pa ang ilang armadong kalalakihan at mga nakaputing babae.

“Tasiiiiiiiiing!!”

“Amboooooooooyy!!”

At tuluyan na silang pinaghiwa-hiwalay. Pinaliguan at pinakain.

Ibinalik na si Lola Tasing sa Kwarto nya sa Home for the Aged. Malinis na ang kwarto. Binalot sya ng kalungkutan. Wala na ang masangsang na amoy. Wala na ang kulay tsokolateng snow. Wala na si Lolo Amboy.

My Wedding

A bride’s perspective towards a wedding she couldn’t own.
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“Ting! Ting! Ting!”

The church bell rang. A signal for the start of the mass.

Today is a very special day. Not for me. But for my groom.

I have just arrived.

Today is my wedding day.

I was being taken by my father to the altar. Inside the church,

I could see people staring at me. Happiness registered in every visitor’s face. Now, I could see my husband-to-be waiting for me patiently near the altar. Behind him were his father and some relatives. While on the opposite chair was my bestfriend, the one I truly love. He was staring at me in awe. I could see the gladness in his face. And that really hurt me. How could he be happy for me when I was going to marry another man? How could not I be hurt to see the one I love rejoicing for my misfortune?

It was good that my face was concealed by a slightly transparent veil. No one could see the loneliness in my face. All they could see was my fake smile.

I looked at my best friend for the second time secretly. Time seemed to cease upon me seeing him. But unfortunately, it did not stop.

Seconds later, I was in the altar. With the groom.

I was with him. But both my mind and brain were with my bestfriend.

I almost got lost of the time. It appeared like everything happening now was being fast-forwarded. I was just able to cope up again when the celebrant asked me with the “magic question.”

I could not think straight. I was still confused to answer. I looked behind me, and saw my father. I tried not to look my bestfriend. I feared that seeing him one last time would spoil my wedding, my father’s happiness. It was like I was forced to answer, “Yes, I do.”

Now, it was time for the priest to ask the groom. I prayed that he won’t answer. But without hesitation, he answered “Yes, I do” too.

Time was so fast…

And it was the right time for the groom to kiss me.

With my veil being lifted slowly, I felt some kind of nervous.

I know there was still pain in me. A pang of disappointment. Anger for myself. It felt like the only thing left for me was my father’s happiness.

When our lips met, I saw with a sideway glance my bestfriend turn and walk away, leaving me like an outdated toy, shards of glass that could not be mended anymore. Tears flowed through my cheeks. I wanted to fix myself and follow him. I didn’t care if I’d be a runaway bride. I just felt the need to see him. So I removed my veil and ran.

When I reached the outside of the church, I wiped my tears with the handkerchief I received from him years ago. It was a good thing I kept it in my camisole.

I just continued meandering in the vast space occupied by the town plaza, hoping that somewhere out there, I would see my bestfriend again. I never cared if people looked at me with disgust or shock. I just cared to see him again. To tell my bestfriend that I loved him.

But fate was cruel to me. I never laid eyes upon him again.

I just stayed at a restaurant, facing the flowing river. At the end of the day, I saw a hand offering me a familiar handkerchief. When I looked up, I saw him. My groom.

And for the second time, I was forced to accept him in my life.

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Read this to hear the best man’s perspective:

http://shambolicamalgam.wordpress.com/2010/01/03/her-wedding/

She Won't Be There

Nothing is permanent in this world. No one will stay with us forever. We may have plethora of companions, friends or lovers today. But we might be alone tomorrow. I am telling you. It’s definitely a different day.

Once there was this young man named Kevin. All his life, the only woman he felt he needed most except for her mother was Shane. They were of the same age. He met her at a friend’s birthday party decades ago.

Kevin couldn’t forget the first time he saw her. A typical playboy, he never expected to love truly at a very young age. Upon laying eyes on her, he promised to himself and to her not to look on other girls granted she’d allow him to court her. A promise he would be vowing to forever. A promise she would be holding on to for the rest of eternity.

Not long, they were in a relationship more complex than friendship, a more complicated commitment. Shane introduced Kevin to her parents. And Kevin made Shane meet his mother. Almost bimonthly, they visited Kevin’s father in the cemetery together. They also met each other’s friends.

One day, unexpectedly, Shane contracted an infectious malady. Everyone who had a close contact with her was quarantined. Kevin really wanted to come to her, to make her feel his presence, his love for her. The warmth. Everything. But what could he do? He was one of those isolated from the masses.

This sickness initially slowly consumed the lower part of Shane’s body. But weeks after, her brain and nervous system got affected too until this sickness devoured her body totally. Until she finally surrendered and left all her loved ones including her Kevin.

Kevin felt like a bird trapped in a cage. He desired to flee to accompany Shane in her dilemma, suffering. But he felt his wings were damaged, hindering him to fly. After Shane’s death, he was discharged from being secluded, including Shane’s parents and friends. He was very irate. He was bereft of his right to join the one he loved during her predicament and difficulty.

Shane’s parents immediately arranged her two-day funeral. It was short because they were ordered to do it like that. They invited everyone who was close to their daughter. Almost everybody showed up except for Kevin. Shane’s parents felt a sense of disappointment because of that. They never thought of hunting Kevin too. Instead, they just let him go.

Since the demise of Shane, Kevin was always seen alone, grieving over his loss, by the River of Eternal Tears. Decades had passed, Kevin never thought of courting another girl. His heart beat only once. His heart beat for a single girl.

He was old now. He was almost deaf. He was almost mute. But he made sure that his story would be passed on to at least a person. He told the whole story to his caretaker but never mentioned why he didn’t show up on Shane’s funeral.

One day, the caretaker saw Kevin’s dead body on his bedroom. He seemed sleeping soundlessly and peacefully. On top of him was a piece of paper. Some phrases were written almost illegibly. The words read:

“People were asking me why I never showed up again on Shane’s funeral. I just kept the answer to myself. Why should I really show up? Why should I go to Shane’s house? I NEVER SHOWED UP BECAUSE I KNEW THAT SHE WOULDN’T REALLY BE THERE.”

BADTRIP!!

Mag-iisang oras nang nakaupo

Naghihintay,

Tulala sa kawalan.

Nag-iisip ng maaring gawin

Tula, maikling kwento

o anu mang lathalain.

Nabagot, nainip

Naaburido.

Nagcheck ng facebook.

Nag-online sa chat. Napansin kita,

Subalit nung nagta-type pa lang ako,

nag-offline ka na.

Bulag, Mapalad Ka…

Walong taon ng magakasintahan sina Sarah at Patrick. Sa loob ng walong taong pagsasama, nakakatuwang hindi pumasok sa isipan nila ang magtalik. Ganun kahalaga at kasagrado para sa kanilang dalawa ang sex. Kahit minsan nagagalit na si Patrick dahil dito, hindi iyon nagging dahilan para maghiwalay silang dalawa. Nagtatalo sila, pero pagakatapos ng ilang minute, lambingan na ulet. Normal lang naman iyon sa isang relasyon. Mabilis talaga silang magkasundo. Siguro nga, walang bagay ang magiging dahilan para matibag pa silang dalawa. Yun ang akala nila.

Two years ago, tinamaan ng sakit si Sarah. At yun ang dahilan ng ikinabulag nya. Noong una eh hindi nila alam kung paanong nangyari yun. Pero matapos ang ilang linggo, napag-alaman nila na namana lamang ni Sarah ang sakit ang sakit na yon sa kanyang lola. Hindi nagtagal, sumunod na rin ang pagkabulag ni Sarah. Wala ng lunas ito. Masyadong sensitibo ang sakit na to para payagan ng doctor na operahan sya at palitan ang nasirang mata.

Ang unti-unting pagkabulag ni Sarah ang nagging dahilan ng away sa pagitan ni Patrick at ng mga magulang nya. Ninais nilang paghiwalayin silang dalawa sa kadahilanang wala raw syang mapapala kay Sarah.

“Anung mapapala mo sa bulag? Magiging pabigat lamang sya sayo. Hiwalayan mo na lang kaya. Hindi pa naman sya kasal eh.” Yan ang mga salitang binitawan ng magulang ni Patrick sa kanya isang gabi.

“Ngayon ko pa ba sya iiwan? Ngayon kung kelan kailangang-kailangan nya ako? Mahal na mahal ko sya. Hindi ko magawa ang pinagagawa nyo sakin?” ang tanging naisagot ni Patrick sa kanyang magulang.

“You are very stubborn. Because of that, I am going to disinherit you. At kapag walang-wala ka na, anung ipapakain mo? Pagmamahal? Sana lang mabusog kayong dalawa at ang magiging anak nyo. Bahala ka sa buhay mo.” Hindi na tinapos ni Patrick ang sinasabi ng kanyang ama at tuluyan ng lumisan. Tatlong taon na ngayon mula ng huli nyang makita ang mga magulang nya. Sa sariling sikap, napilit nyang maging pulis. Hindi na nya pinaalam sa una kay Sarah ang nangyaring ito, pero hindi rin nagtagal ay pinagtapat na rin nya kay Sarah ang totoo.

Dating nagtatrabaho sa call center si Sarah. Napilitan syang lisanin ang trabaho dahil sa pagkasira ng paningin nya. Subalit hindi naging hadlang sa kanya para ipagpatuloy ang iba nyang nakagawiang gawain. Tuwing umaga ng Linggo, naglalaan sya ng isang oras sa simbahan para makinig sa sermon ng pari. Sa umpisa, lagi syang sinasamahan ni Patrick sa lakad nyang to.

“Sarah, napapagod na rin ako minsan na maghatid sayo araw-araw sa plaza tsaka sa pagsama sayo sa simbahan tuwing Linggo. Siguro naman ay kaya mo ng mag-isa sa susunod.” Sabi ni Patrick sa kanya.

“Siguro naman ay kaya ko na. Salamat nga pala sa tulong mo sa mga nagdaang buwan. I love you, Patrick.” Sagot ni Sarah. Pinilit nyang itago ang sakit na nararamdaman.

Hindi na umimik si Patrick at umalis papunta sa trabaho. At tuluyan nang tumulo ang luha nya. Hindi na naitago pa ang sakit na nararamdaman.

Kinabukasan, nanibago si Sarah sa pagbyahe sa umaga ng mag-isa. Dumaan ang ilang linggo at nakasanayan na rin nya yun.

Isang umaga pagkababa nya ng MRT, narinig nya ang isang ale sa tabi. Hindi nya Makita yung babae kasi nga bulag sya, kaya hindi nya alam kung sya ang kausap nito.

“Mapalad ka.” Sambit nung ale.

“Ako po ba ang kausap nyo?” tanung nya. “Panu ako magiging mapalad eh bulag ako?”

Eto ang sagot ng ale,”Oo mapalad ka. Kahit bulag ka pa. Tuwing umaga may isang lalaki ng nakabihis ng uniporme ng mga pulis na nag-aabang sayo pagkababa mo ng jeep. Binabantayan ka tuwing tatawid ka ng kalsada. Inaalalayan ka. Sinisigurong ligtas ka bago nya lisanin ang lugar na to tuwing umaga. At ganun rin kapag hapon. Mapalad ka.”

Sa narinig, hindi naiwasan ni Sarah ang pagpalakpak ng tenga nya at pagdaloy ng mga luha sa kanyang matatambok na pisngi.

Patay na Patay Sa’yo : A Valentine Special

“Surprise!” bungad na salita agad ni Cherry pagkabukas pa lang nya sa pintuan ng bahay nila ni Enzo. Mukhang sya lang ang na-surprise. Isang ngiti ang permanente ng nakaplaster sa mukha nya. Kahit nga umiiyak sya, nakangiti pa rin sya. Akala mo ay laging nang-aasar. Sarap batukan eh. Kung hindi lang makinis ang kutis nya dahil sa belo at maganda ang mukha nya.

“Enzo! Enzo! Hon? Patago-tago ka pa jan ha? Kala mo hindi kita makikita?He-he-he.” Maganda rin ang boses nya. Matinis, pero hindi nakakairita. Malakas, pero hindi nakakabingi. Bawat salita nya ay parang nang-aakit. Isa-isa nyang binuksan bawat pintuan ng bawat kwarto sa malawak nilang bahay ng asawa nyang si Enzo. Feeling teenager kung magtaguan. Ang hitad. Haha.

Alam ni Cherry na nasa kwarto nila sa Enzo. Kaya lang sya nagpakahirap na buksan bawat pinto ay para makaramdam ng konting thrill. Nilibang lang nya ang kanyang sarili. Pagpasok nya sa kwarto, umalingasaw ang isang masangsang na amoy. Pero hindi nya inalintana iyon. Ang turo sa kanya ng guro nya noong elementary ay singhutin na lang daw ang amoy para mawala. Kaya ngayon, singhot lang sya nang singhot.

Mula sa pagkakahawak sa cake na binili nya sa tindhan bago sya bumalik ng bahay, binitiwan nya iyon at ipinatong sa may mesita malapit sa drawer nilang mag-asawa. Dumerecho na sya sa may kama at noon di’y yumakap na kay Enzo. Hindi na nagreact si Enzo.

“Hon. Happy Valentine’s Day. Happy Anniversary.” Bati ni Cherry saasawa. Subalit hindi pa rin sumasagot si Enzo. “Anu ba yan hon? Tulog ka pa rin hanggang ngayon? Aba, eh pitong araw ka ng tulog ah.” Biglang na lang tumawa si Cherry. “Ha-ha-ha.” Sumayaw sya, biglang kumanta. At ito’y natuloy sa isang iyak. Parang baliw ba? Mali ka. Dahil baliw talaga sya. Pitong araw na ang nakakalipas mula ng mamatay si Enzo. At sa loob ng pitong araw na yun, nagluksa si Cherry. Pero hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin nya matanggap na wala na talaga ang kanyang maybahay. Umiiyak pa rin sya hanggang ngayon habang hawak ang mga kamay ni Enzo, walang pakialam sa kung maramdaman man nya ang lamig na dulot ng wala nang buhay na katawan ng asawa.

Baliw nga sigurong maituturing, ngunit sa puso, hindi sya marunong makalimot. Sa kabila ng kakulangan sa pag-iisip, naalala pa rin nyang ngayon ay ikalabing-apat na araw ng Pebrero. Araw ng mga Puso. Araw ng kasal nila. Ang kanilang anibersaryo.

Unti-unti nyang pinalitan ng damit si Enzo. Medyo nahirapan sya sa tigas at laki ng katawan nito. “Saan mo nga pala gusto kumain? Halika na sa labas.” Pagyayaya nya kay Enzo habang kinakalikad ito palabas ng bahay.

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Ang totoong pag-ibig ay hindi namamatay.