Cameraman

Every time I see your sweet smile, tears start to fall down my cheeks. All the walls built around me begin to fall. I am afraid it would always be your last smile for me.

I have felt this for so long. The abnormal fast beating of the heart. Always remembering that person. Smiling consistently. Absent-mindedness. Trembling of hands and weakening of the knees and other body parts. Yes. You may think that I am physically ill and mentally disabled. But I know I am in love. Definitely in love.

With just a click on the camera, everyone with me flashed his sweetest and seductive smile. After the first take, it was my turn to capture the class’ pictures. That had always been our daily routine. My daily routine. I was gonna join in the first shoot, and then I would take the next pictures. I have done this voluntarily. I have always considered myself to be the cameraman or the photographer of the class. I know you are curious why.

I have always been addicted to her smile, partly innocent, partly seductive. I have always been touched or affected by it. Maybe that was the first reason why I fell in love with her. Since seeing her first smile on camera, I have always desired to capture every curving of her lips. That way, though we were not close, still I could see her smiling directly at me, looking into my eyes.

I don’t know if I were really obsessed with her. Well, I have just a collection of our class pictures. All from our classmates’ birthday celebrations, field trips, food trip, unexpected walks, etc. To tell you honestly, I have two folders of her in my archives. The first one consists of all of her pics taken by me and the second one, taken by others.

How sweet of me!

I have always readied myself for her last smile. But I have never given much thought to how it would look like. This one was much unexpected, striking. I was able to capture her last smile. But I was sad.

Everything has come to an end. My work as a photographer. My happiness. The cessation of flowing of my tears. The durability of the walls surrounding me. And most importantly, her life.

Her smile. Her smile of goodbye.

And true enough, my worst fear has come to haunt me. Forever.

I will always treasure her smiles. Gone was she, but not the memories.