Blind

I loved her so much. My life just revolved around her. I have her as my own sun. It might sound corny, but being corny sometimes was part of being in love.

I so loved her that I forgot everything about me. I forgot to hang-out with my friends. To attend mass with my family. To go to different restaurants to eat with my classmates. I almost forgot my name because of her. Yes, I thought I was really going crazy.

I was blinded by her beauty, humor, and intelligence. I gave all my time for her, making me ignore others. I was glad to see her thin lips forming into the cutest smile. I was happy to smell the most fragrant scent. I wanted to hear her jokes then her soft laughter. I desired to listen to her trivia, willing to know more about everything despite the fact that I loathed studying. Many things about me had changed. Because of her. I was not accustomed to change but eventually, I learned to accept it, thinking that change was good, sometimes.

Too bad, we were not together. I wasted all my time thinking of her, imagining that she was mine and I was hers. All this time, I was alone, forcing myself to enjoy this illusion.

I was blind enough not see other people loving me. I was blind enough not to notice you caring for me. I was busily loving the wrong person while you were waiting for me to love you too.

Sad. We both loved the wrong people.

Ang Pakikipagsapalaran ni Bernardo Carpio, Jr. (2)

PART 2.

Hindi na nahabol ng paningin ni Bathala ang pagtakbo ng mga hayop sa lupa. Sa kaitaasan naman ay nagpapagalingan sa pagkanta ang halos lahat ng mga ibon. Kasalukuyan nilang ginaganap ang isang Amateur Singing Contest. Sayang at hindi naabutan ni Bathala ang ibang mga kandidato at kandidata. Sa ngayon, ang kumakanta ay si Uwak…

“Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I’ve tried and tried to say what’s on mind
You should have known

Oh, now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I’ve gotta find my own

I don’t know where I belong
But I’ll be moving on
If you don’t, if you won’t

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but I will complete

Oh, now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I’ve gotta find my own, my own”

Umani ng palakpakan si Uwak. Kahit si Bathala na nasa Kaluwalhatian ay hindi napigilan ang pagpalakpak sa paghanga niya kay Uwak.

“Good afternoon Uwak.” Bati sa kanya ni Lawin, isa sa mga hurado sa Singing contest. “How are you feeling today?”

“Thank you. I’m very confident. But a little bit nervous.”

“What is the role of your family in joining this contest?” tanong ulet ni Lawin.

“My family. Uhm.oh. Uh-huh. My family is…”

“Ok na yun. Let’s proceed to my comments.” Patuloy ni Lawin.

“Maganda ang boses mo. Natumbok mo yung high notes. Maganda ang transition. Dahil jan, may nagtext!” Komento ni Lawin kay Uwak.

Muli na namang nagpalkpakan ang mga ibon. At napapangiti ng bahadya si Uwak.

“Oo maganda ang boses mo. Pero hindi ka nababagay dito. Mas bagay ka sa aming grupo. Dahil boses palaka, ang boses mo. – Echoserang Kokak.” Basa ni Lawin sa text message.

Nagtawanan ang ibang ibon. Nagalit naman ang ibang fans ni Uwak dahil sa pang-aasar ni Echoserang Kokak. Subalit ang mga ito ay kay Lawin nagalit. May ibang namato ng hinog na kamatis. Yung iba naman ay sapatos ang ginamit na pamalibang. At tuluyan na ring nagkagulo sa himpapawid.

Wala nang magawa si Bathala sa kaguluhang nagaganap. Pagtingin nya sa kanyang Planggana ng Mundo, nakita rin nyang nagkakagulo na sa may karagatan at ilog.

Tinakluban muna ni Bathala ang kanyang Planggana. Ayaw muna nyang makita ang kaguluhan. Gusto nyang mag-isip ng solusyon sa kanyang napakalaking problema.

Bumalik sya sa kanyang trono. At sa isang sipol nya ay dumating ang isang Sarimanok. Ang pangalan nya ay Magaul. Kaakit-akit pagmasdan ang ganda ng ibon ito. Makulay. Bawat pakpak nito ay may disenyong scroll at dahon. Maganda talaga. Pawang Ibong Adarna sa ganda.

“Bakit nyo po ako ipinatawag Bathala?” tanong ni Magaul. Medyo kinakabahan sya.

“Tulad ng pagkakaalam ng lahat, isa kang ibon na nagdadala ng swerte. Sa ngayon, babaguhin ko ang function mo bilang ibon. Magiging mensahero kita sa loob lamang ng kalhating araw.” Sagot ni Bathala.

“Ano pong ibig nyong sabihin?” tanong ulet ni Magaul.

“Ikalat mo sa buong populasyon ng mga hayop na may pagbabagong magaganap sa buong mundo. Parusa sa kaguluhang ginawa nila kanina. Sabihin mo na kailangan nilang lisanin ang mundo kung hindi ay mamamatay sila. Pumunta silang Pluto kung kinakailangan. Dahil kapag isinagawa ko na ang paghuhukom bukas ng umaga, may malaking pagbabago talaga.”

“Yun lang po ba Bathala?” tanong ni Magaul.

“Yun lamang. Humayo ka na.”

“Masusunod po.”

At noon din ay ikinalat ni Magaul ang masamang balita mula kay Bathala. Maraming hindi makapaniwala. Maraming nagtataka. Ang ibang hayop ay nagsiiyakan. Nagsisisi sa kasalanang ginawa nila.

Kinabukasan… sa Planggana ng Mundo ni Bathala.

“Maghanda kayo sa paghuhukom dahil may pasasabugin ako ngayon.” Sambit ni Bathala. “Lisanin nyo na ang mundong ito kung gusto nyo pang mabuhay.” Pagpapatuloy nya. “Pagkabilang ko ng sampo, nakatago na kayo. Isa.. Dalawa.. Tatlo.. Apat.. Lima.. Anim.. Pito.. Walo.. Siyam..”

“Kuya, wag po.” Ang taning nasambit na lamang ng mga hayop.

“Sampu!” At noon din ay ay sumabog na ang mga bombang inihanda ni Bathala noong nakaraang gabi. Inuna na ang pagpapasabog sa Hiroshima at Nagasaki ng Atomic Bomb. Sa ibang lugar naman ay Hydrogen Bomb. At yung iba naman ay okay na ang dinamita. Nagmistulang Fireworks Display ang nangyari sa mundo. Ang saya.

Sa iba’t-ibang parte ng mundo nagpunta ang mga hayop. Kung saan sila naabutan ng mga pasabog, ay doon sila namatay. (Syempre naman.) At doon rin sumilang ang mga bansa sa mundo.

Subalit hindi tayo dun magfo-focus. Ilagay natin ang ating atensyon sa bansang ito. Ang lugar ng mga BABOY at BUWAYA. Noong una pa lamang pala ay mga buwaya na ang nakatira sa Pilipinas. Hanggang ngayon, Buwaya pa rin ang mga namumuno dito.

—–

itutuloy…

But Please, Don’t Blame Me

I miss you. Every second that passes without me seeing you slowly kills me. I am really desperate to tell you that. I was very busy these past few weeks but never did I fail to remember you. I love you. I really do. Words are not enough to describe how happy I am to meet you. All I want in my life is you. I am willing to spend the rest of eternity alone with you.

I fear that my love for you would fade someday. But I am promising you that it would not. I shall never stop loving you. I want you to be safe always. I want to take care of you. Call me possessive, but you are all mine. I will never share you to anyone. I will never leave you. I really love you.

I have always wanted to tell you all of these. And I am sorry for that. I have always wanted to. But I have never said those to you. I am really sorry. I hope you’d forgive me. It’s your entire fault. I would be able to deliver those words in front of you if you just don’t love another guy. I am sorry my dear. But please, don’t blame me.

Because it pains me too.

Has God Abandoned Me?

Has God really abandoned me?

It’s the question that has repeatedly popped on my mind for so long. Shouldering all the misfortunes in life has been the main reason why this question continues to live within my bitter heart. It feels like dying.

The death of my wife and son hit me like a cold and sharp-pointed knife directed through my heart. That was unexpected. As fragile as a glass, my wholeness was divided into shards. I was broken. The reason of their death? My wife’s sensitive delivery. I was miserable. I thought I was going crazy.

I was very emotional. I could not function well. I brought this problem and the sick feeling in my company. I failed to work well. I was careless. Stupid. But what could I do? I lost my family. Didn’t I have any right to grieve over my loss? Good thing, I was able to grieve over the death of my son and wife. The bad thing was, I still did not move on. And the next thing I knew? I was fired. No family. No work. I was broken. I was broke.

My mother was ill. My brother had been sent to jail. I was just so unlucky I wanted to die.

Dying. Since then, it had been my goal. Once, I unknowingly tried to attain it. I was out of my mind.

Has God really abandoned me? God. God. I hated him. I detested him. I just wished i was not born at all.

God. I searched God. Everywhere. I searched Him in every church, school, restaurant. Everywhere. Too bad, I didn’t find him. Has God really abandoned me?

I tried to commit suicide. I jumped from the overpass. I tried to resist myself from shouting. I didn’t know how to react. I just found myself mumbling a prayer.

And then I fell. I didn’t know if I was unconscious. Or dead. I could just see a total darkness. Then pure white. There was a silhouette of a man. He was asking me to stand up. And when I did, I found myself in the dump truck. Beside me was a smiling image of Sto. Nino. Upon seeing his smile, I could not help myself but to smile too.

Has God really abandoned me? I think this has been answered. No. God has not really abandoned me. I have abandoned him. I know He was giving me a second chance. To live and change.

I searched God. Everywhere. I searched Him in every church, school, restaurant. Everywhere. Too bad, I didn’t find him. But He found me.

After that incident, I decided to go back to our house. I took care of my sick mother. I visited my brother in the jail. I went to the cemetery.

And I found myself walking toward the nearby church.

It was refreshing. There was a sense of rejuvenation, of rebirth. I gave a sigh of relief. An emotion felt after surpassing all the storms in life. Standing still. And alive. Being able to still be linked with God.

Ang Pakikipagsapalaran ni Bernardo Carpio, Jr.

PART 1.

Noong unang panahon, wala pang liwanag at puwos kadiliman lamang. Tanging si Bathala ang nananahan sa buong kalawakan at sansinukuban. Isang araw ay naaburido sya. Wala syang makausap. Wala syang makita.

“Let there be light!” sabi nya. And so there was light. Isa-isang nagsindihan ang mga kandilang lumulutang. Medyo may kadiliman pa rin.

“More lights!” Nag-ilawan lahat ng light bulbs, fluorescent lights at lamp shades. “May liwanag ang buhay.” Nasambit ni Bathala. “Hay. Mapapamahal siguro ang ibabayad ko sa Meralco. Tsk. kailangan ko ng kahati sa pagbabayad. Pero, paano kaya?” Sandali syang nag-isip at nagpamulsa. “Kung maglalalang ako, saan sila titira?” Sa isang kumpas ng kamay ni Bathala, nawalan ng kuryente. Nawala ang mga ilaw, ang mga kandila. Pero maliwanag pa rin. Natagpuan nya ang sariling lumulutang sa kalawakan. Nakita nya ang mga nagkikislapang mga bituin kabilang na ang Haring Araw. Sa paligid ng Araw ay may siyam na planetang umiikot. Bawat planeta ay may kanya-kanyang angking alindog. Hindi sya makapili. kaya nag-mini-mini-mayni-mo si Bathala at sa luntiang Mundo napatapat ang dulo ng hintutro niya. Noon nya naisipan na lumikha ng iba’t-ibang uri ng mga bagay na may buhay. Nagkaroon ng mga puno at halaman. Iba’t-ibang klase ng mga hayop. mayroong pang-lupa, pandagat at panghimpapawid.

Nagiliw si Bathala sa kanyang nakita, sa kanyang masterpiece. Hindi nya inakalang makakagawa sya ng ganoon sa tanang buhay nya. Naluluha sya.

“Tama na nga ang dramang ito.” Bumalik na si Bathala sa kanyang trono sa Kaluwalhatian. Mula sa isang plangganang puno ng tubig, pinanood nya ang buong mundo. Napakatiwasay sa mundong ibabaw. Ang mga ibon ay nag-aawitan.

“Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance”

Sabay-sabay na kanta ng mga ibong pipit, kalaw at agila. Pakiramdam ni Bathala ay magaling na sya sa robotics. Kasabay nyang napaindak ang mga puno at halaman. Masyado atang napagod si Bathala. Nag-flanax muna sya at tuluyan ng nagpahinga. Dumaan ang ilang linggo na pawang katahimikan at katiwasayan ang nangyayari. Natutuwa sya na walang kaguluhang nagaganap.

“I now declare myself the King of the Forest.” sabi ni Leon. Kitang-kita ang kakisigan nito at katapangan. Pati na rin ang kayabangan.

O, hindi! Hindi to maaari! pag-iisip ni Bathala.

“May tumututol ba sa deklarasyong iyon ni haring Leon?” pasigaw na tanong ni Pusa, ang nagboluntaryong maging sekretarya ni Leon. Walang sumagot sa tanong. Halata sa mga mukha ng mga hayop sa gubat ang takot. Subalit ang iba ay walang pakialam. Nagkamot lang sa ulo si Unggoy. Habang palihim naman na sinusundot-sundot ni Elepante ang loob ng kanyang ilong. Pasulyap-sulyap sa paligid, natatakot na may nagmamasid sa kanya. Bigla na lang nagulat ang lahat. Pati si Elepante na nasa climax na ng ginagawa nya. Konti na lang eh, masusungkit na nya ang tagumpay. Subalit natigil dahil sa sigaw ng isang boses sa may di kalayuan.

“Ako.” Nanggaling ang boses na iyon sa may kaliwang dako ng entablado. Lumingon sa direksyon na yun sina haring Leon at Pusa. Napalingon na rin ang iba pang hayop. Lahat ay nagulantang ng makita si Baboy.

“Hindi ako yun!” Tanggi agad ni Baboy.

“Ako yun.” Hinanap nila ang boses. Pagtingin nila sa may paanan ni Baboy, andun si Langgam. Kumakaway-kaway pa para mapansin kaagad. Labis na nagulat ang lahat sa katapangang ipinamalas ni Langgam.

“Bakit ka tumututol? Lalaban ka ba?” Pagalit na tanong ni Haring Leon kay Langgam.

Nakatayo lang si Langgam, taas-noo. “Hindi. Because I won’t stoop down to your level. Gusto ko lang umeksena. No?!” para syang si Pres. Gloria Arroyo nung banggitin nya yung “no”. Susugod na sana si Haring Leon, na ikinagulat ng lahat. Mabuti na lamang at napigilan sya ni Pusa. nakahinga ng maluwag ang lahat sa nangyari. Pati si Elepante na iba ang dahilan ng pagbuntong-hininga. Inihagis nya ang mumunting bagay na nagmula sa ilong nya at inihagis pataas, na nahulog sa mga buhok ni Aso na naging dahilan ng pangangati nito. Inakala naman ni Unggoy na garapata yun kaya nagmadali syang kutuhan si Aso. Nang nakita nya na kulangot pala, naihagis rin nya iyon at nagpasa-pasa na sa lahat ng hayop. Hanggang sa makarating sa bibig ni Leon.

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh..” Galit na sigaw ni Leon. Dahil sa takot, nagmadaling magtakbuhan ang mga hayop sa iba’t-ibang direksyon.

————

itutuloy

ELMO is My Son…?

“Elmo! I want Elmo!” panaghoy ni Gelo. Kanina pa sya umiiyak. Ginawa na lahat ni Mrs. Lucinda para patahanin ang kanyang anak.

“Gelo, dear. This is Elmo. Look. It’s beautiful.” Pagpupumilit ni Mrs. Lucinda sa manikang hawak nya.

“Mom, since when did Elmo become as black as a negro? Elmo is not Dora. Definitely, he is not!” Lalong lumakas ang iyak ni Gelo. Napapangiti na lang ang mga salesladies at iba pang customers sa boutique na yun.

Unti-unting bumaba si Mrs. Lucinda para mapantayan ang height ng 7-year old son nya. “Pag hindi ka pa tumigil sa pag-iyak na bata ka, malilintikan ka talaga sakin.” Bulong ni Mrs. Lucinda sa anak nya, may halong pagbabanta.

“Elmo! Elmo!” mahina na lang ang pag-iyak niya. “I don’t want anything but Elmo.” Hindi na pinansin ni Mrs. Lucinda ang panaghoy ni Gelo. Bagkus ay nagpaka-busy sya sa paghahanap ng damit na isusuot sa pag-mamajong sa bahay nila mamaya. Sosyal! Kaya hindi na nya napansin ang pag-alis ni Gelo sa boutique na yon.

Mataman pa ring namimili ng damit si Mrs. Lucinda. Hindi na napansin ang pagtahimik ni Gelo. Pagkatapos makapag-decide ng bibilhing damit, tinawag nya si Gelo. Nang hindi marinig ang pagsagot na anak, inilibot nya ang paningin sa kabuuan ng boutique. Pero wala ang anak nya. Kinabahan na sya. Tinungo nya ang exit at tatanungin sana ang guard kung nakita nya ang abak nya. Pero wala ang guard. Isang malambing na Putik! na lang ang nasambit nya.

Tuluyan na syang lumabas ng boutique. At may narinig sya. Sa may di kalayuan. Isang matinding busina ng kotse. At sigaw ni Gelo.

“Oh my God!” matinding bulalas ni Mrs. Lucinda. Tinungo nya ang pinanggalingan ng banggaan. isang malungkot at medyo galit na lalaki ang lumapit sa kanya.

“Kayo po ba ang ina ng bata?” tanong nung lalaki.

“Opo. Ako nga.” Nangingiyak-ngiyak na sagot ni Mrs. Lucinda. “Kamusta po ang anak ko?” medyo nanghihina na rin sya. Nawawalan ng lakas ng loob.

“Wala po kayong kwentang ina! Alam nyo po ba kung gaano kahalaga ang mga anak para sa mga magulang? Wala kayong ipinagkaiba sa mga inang ipinapa-abort ang kanilang mga inosenteng anak. Ako. Kahit kailan, hindi nabiyayaan ng anak. Tanging yun lang ang hiniling ko sa Panginoon. Pero para syang binging hindi ako narinig. Pero, hindi naman ako galit sa kanya. Siguro nga, may iba syang plano para sa akin. Naiinggit ako sa inyo. Sobra. Kung pababayaan mo lang siguro ang anak mo, sana ipina-abort mo na lang din sya o di kaya’y ipinaampon. Sana, sa susunod, mas pahalagahan mo ang anak mo.” Litanya ng lalaki. Medyo inantok si Mrs. Lucinda sa sinabi nito. Pero aminado sya na tama naman ang lalaki. Kaya di na sya nakipagtalo. Mas binigyang-pansin nya ang huling sinabi nito: Sana, sa susunod, mas pahalagahan mo ang anak mo.

“Ang ibig sabihin po ba nito ay buhay pa ang anak ko?” magalang na tanong ni Mrs. Lucinda sa lalaki. Ang kanyang ngiti ay may halong ka-plastikan.

“Opo. Ayun sya oh.” Itinuro ng mama ang direksyon ni Gelo. Tuwang-tuwa sya na makitang buhay pa ang anak nya. This time, totoo talaga. Walang halong plastik. Hindi na sya nagpaalam pa at nagpasalamat sa lalaki. Pagtalikod ni Mrs. Lucinda ay binanggit nya ang mga katagang ito: Buhay pa pala ang anak ko. Sana sinabi kaagad nya. Ang dami-dami pang sinabing kung anu-ano lang. Tsk. Tsk. Echoserong tsismoso. Hmp.

Tuluyan na nyang nilapitan ang anak nya at niyakap ng mahigpit.

“Elmo. I’m glad you’re alive!”

“Mommy, are you angry with me?” tanong ni Gelo.

“Bakit naman Elmo, my dear?” sagot na patanong ni Mrs. Lucinda.

“Kasi po nasasakal na ako sa inyo.” Medyo naluluha-luha pang sagot ni Gelo.

“Ay sorry naman, anak.” Lumuwag na ng konti ang yakap nito sa kanya.

“Eh mommy, ampon nyo po ba ako?”

“Hala! Hindi no? Ano ka ba naman Elmo? Saan mo ba naman napulot yang isispin na iyan?”

“Eh kanina pa po kasi kayo Elmo ng Elmo eh. Gelo naman po ang name ko.”

Ay, oo nga pala. Sa isip na lang nabanggit ni Mrs. Lucinda. At ngumiti.

“Nga pala, sino ang nagligtas sa’yo?”

Itinuro ni Elmo ang direksyon ng lalaking nakausap kanina ni Mrs. Lucinda. Paglingon nya, andun pa rin ang lalaki. Pero tuluyan na ring tumalikod sa kanila.

“Ang echoserong tsismoso pala.” Mahinang sabi ni Mrs. Lucinda. Thank you, sambit ni Mrs. Lucinda sa isip nya. Bukal sa loob nya ang pasasalamat nya sa Echoserong Tsismosong yon. Utang nya sa kanya ang buhay ng anak nya. Hindi nya makakalimutan ang mga sinabi nito sa kanya kanina.

“May sinabi ka ba Mommy? Yung tsismoso ba yun? Ano po yun, Mommy?”

“May binanggit ba ako anak?”

“Meron po.”

“Sabi ko, bibili tayo ng maraming Elmo.”

At masayang-masaya si Gelo.

Her Pair of Red Shoes

I could see them from where I was. The two of them. A boy and a girl. Couple, I thought so. They were walking very slowly. They were talking. But it seemed that there was a problem. If I were not wrong, they were having an argument. Misunderstanding, maybe. The girl started to look down and clear waters fell from her eyes. I wanted to comfort her. I hated it everytime I saw a girl crying because of their stupid boyfriends. When she looked up, anger registered over her face. But it did not affect her angelic face because sadness still stood out. She shouted over his boy. But I did not hear her words.

The girl then stopped walking and sat on the nearest bench. The boy continued to walk, as if he were alone. She procured something from her bag. A pair of shoes? I thought. I was not mistaken. A pair of black shoes. She removed the pair of red shoes she was wearing and started to don the black ones.

She ran towards the boy who was still walking and threw the pair of red shoes towards his back. I felt a slight sense of gladness when she did that. The boy looked back. I readied myself in case the boy thought to revenge. It was a good thing he did not do any bad thing. He just looked at the girl first then at the red shoes. The girl just walked opposite the guy’s direction. And so the boy too, leaving the pair of red shoes in the sidewalk.

What a sad goodbye! I thought again. I walked towards the shoes and picked up the pair. I put them inside my backpack and and went back home. I checked the shoes and put them in my shoe rack, along with my favorite shoes. The next day, I went back to the park where I saw the boy, the girl and the red shoes.

Unfortunately, I just found myself alone in the park. The next day, I went back. But still, no trace of the girl. I hoped. But I never saw her again.

I was not sure if I fell in love with the girl. All I was sure of was to have to see the girl again to return the shoes to her. But as days passed by, I felt more intimate emotions for the girl. Maybe that was the reason why I always looked for her. Not just to return the shoes.

Because of this, I pitied myself.

I loved a girl. Too bad, I had just seen her for once. Hopes and prayes were my only companions in this unlucky journey in life.

And the only thing that strengthened my hopes is the pair of red shoes. Her pair of red shoes. The only thing that linked her with me. The only entity that made me continue to love her. Despite her absence.

Euthanasia

“Thanks Dr. Pedraja for saving my daughter’s life.” “I owe you my life.” “Thank you for the second chance, Dr. Pedraja.”

Those are some of the lines I usually hear from my patients or from my patient’s relatives. Hearing those words helps me feel relaxed after the day’s work. Saving lives has been my responsibility ever since. Maybe it is innate. I have always desired to become a doctor. I am pro-life. I am totally not in accordance with abortion. But when it comes to euthanasia or killing out of mercy, my stance toward life changes.

For years, I have cured many patients, operated on some, and tried to tend to all of their needs. All of them were treated but sadly, a few were not totally healed. Some stayed comatose. They were still breathing, but there was no certainty that they would still wake up. Guess what I did? It seemed that there was some kind of a demonic spirit that consumed me every time a patient of mine was in a dying state, no chance to recover. I usually killed patients. Out of mercy. Continuous increase in hospital bills might be a minor reason. I just desired to suppress his suffering. To relieve his pain. Pain was unavoidable. But seeing someone in grief continuously wounded my emotionally weak heart. I am pro-life. It is really hard for me to personally kill someone. Failure to salvage someone kills me too.

As much as possible, I always try my best not to get to the point in which I have to kill. My mind and my heart have always been pre-occupied with my patients and their health conditions. I am pre-occupied with them that I have neglected my family’s health status. I never knew that my son’s life was in trouble.

I was late. To know everything. I was so insensitive. To learn about my son’s sickness. Too late to cure him. To tend to him. I hated myself. I hate myself. And I shall continue to hate myself. Because of that. There is no one to blame except for myself.

Like some of my patients, my son belonged to those unlucky people who were innocent to get themselves killed. By me. I have done my best to operate on him. To bad, I still failed. For weeks, he has been sleeping. Thanks to the machine that continued to sustain his life.

I know there was no more chance for second life. So this demonic spirit was trying very hard to consume me again. But I continued resisting it. For the first time, I hated to kill. How could I? It’s my son! My flesh. My blood.

Now, I learned about my patients’ relatives’ feelings everytime they are about to unplug the most important machine of all. I was so unfair. I always convinced my patients relatives to turn off the machine. But I myself couldn’t.

So my wife decided for me. She told me that ir I were not to pull the plug, then she would do it for me.

I didn’t want to see her hand getting dirty. So I decided too. I pulled the plug. And I immediately left my profession. And promised not to kill anymore.

And everything about me changed.

Except for this simple truth:

I was Dr. Ronnie Pedraja. I was pro-life. And once in my life, a part of my past haunts me. I was once a certified notorious killer.

Puzzle Piece

Ever since I was a child, i have always been fond of collecting jigsaw puzzles of various designs including Dragon Balls, Ghost Fighter, Flame of Recca, Fushigi Yuugi and many more animes. Siguro, sa bawat bagong labas ng design, bumibili ako. Ganan ako kaadik. Ha-ha.

One time, I went to the National Bookstore to buy a puzzle again. This time, nature ang design. Wala lang. For a change. Pero ang ganda rin kasi eh. Japanese style. Natuwa lang din siguro ako.

Pagkabili ko, I immediately went back home and started to set everything up. Pero nung patapos na ako, I was disappointed na kulang ng isa yung piece. Hinanap ko na sa buong kwarto pero wala talaga. Sayang naman. Tsk. Kinabukasan, I decided na bumalik sa NBS para ibalik ang puzzle ko.

Pagdating ko sa customer service are, may nakasabay akong isang babae. From De La Salle. Maganda sya. Maamong tingnan. At mabango. (Nadagdagan na naman ang kasalanan ko nito.) Siguro magka-age lang kami. Ayun sa I.D. nya, na hindi ko naman sinasadyang makita (Promise!! Haha), Myrtle ang name nya. napansin ko na may dala rin syang puzzle. At mas nagulat naman ako at natuwa na pareho kami ng design na napili. I approached her and then asked kung anong problema sa puzzle nya. I learned na labis ng isang piece yung kanya. I checked the piece and poop!! Gotcha! Ganun yung nawawala kong piece. Nagkasundo kaming huwag na lang magreklamo sa NBS since solved na rin naman yung problem.

At kinuha ko na rin yung number nya. Hmm. Crush ko na sya. Since then, we started texting each other. Minsan, binibisita ko sya sa may La Salle. Mas naging close kami. And eventually I totally fell for her.

I was very happy. I realized na hindi lang puzzle ko ang binuo nya. Kundi pati ako. I learned that I am a puzzle myself. And she was the puzzle piece that completed me. The most important puzzle piece.

I told myself that it would be okay to lose all my puzzle pieces except her. She alone was the only piece that could complete my puzzle-like life.

Akala ko talaga, wala nang magiging problema. I told her that I was going to start courting her. Pero hindi pa man ako nakakapag-umpisa, talo na ako kaagad. She confessed to me na may mahal na syang iba. In fact, sila na nga eh. Just hours before my supposed courtship. Sad.

Siguro nga, puzzle talaga ako.

Upon knowing the truth from her, I felt incomplete again. I was a nonsense puzzle for the second time. Shattered. One piece missing. No more chance to be whole again.

February 17

1676 – Kings Charles II and Louis XIV signed a secret treaty. They engaged in a brokeback mountain relationship.

1753 – In Sweden February 17 is followed by March 1 as the country moves from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar. Many were angry when they were not able to celebrate their birthdays and did not receive any gifts.

1872 – Fathers Gomez, Burgos and Zamora were executed in Bagumbayan, after a mock trial found them guilty of leading the Cavite Mutiny. Some believed that the three priests were the leader of the People Power Revolution in 1896.

1874 – Lambert Adolphe Jacques Quetelet, a Belgian mathematician, died when he was not able to solve a simple mathematical problem.

1906 – Theodore Roosevelt’s daughter Alice married in the White House. She was happy she thought she was in Wonderland.

1972 – President Nixon left Washington D.C. for China. He was so poor to go shopping for less expensive goods.

1974 – 49 died in stampede for seats at soccer match, Cairo, Egypt. It was a good thing they were near the pyramids to be entomed there.

1979 – Chinese invaded Vietnam to sell products. China declared a war after they experienced bankruptcy when the Vietnamese did not patronize Chinese products.

1995 – Colin Ferguson is convicted of six counts of murder for the December 1993 Long Island Rail road shootings and later receives a 315-year life sentence. He was wondering if he would still be alive in 2309.

1998 – Larry Wayne Harris and Bill Levitt arrested for possession of anthrax. At first, they denied it and said that they left the anthrax at their respective houses.

2006 – A massive mudslide occurs in Southern Leyte, Philippines; the official death toll is set at 1,126. Philippine President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo made an address on television stating that “help is on the way.” All the Filipinos prayed and hoped that the “help” was not just a lie.

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Thanks to wikipedia and brainyhistory.

Happy birthday Siela Villa.

Ina

Rinig na rinig ang panaghoy niya,

Ang mahinang ina sa kanyang kama.

Nanunuot ang sakit sa buo nyang katawan

Pawang hinagpis ang nararamdaman.

—-

Tila may hinahanap na hindi makita

Pangarap na ipinagkait sa kanya ng tadhana.

Pangarap na inasam sa loob ng ilang taon,

Pangarap na sa ngayon ay isang patapon.

—-

Inang nagtiis para sa kanyang anak,

Pagkatapos mapalaki, tuluyang iniwan.

Pakiramdam niya, siya ay itinulak

Sa malalim na bangin ng anak na haragan.

—-

Namumutawi sa mga mata ang kalungkutan

Sanhi ng hindi maipaliwanag na pang-iiwan

Ng mga anak na inaruga’t minahal,

Ng inang ang sarili ay halos di na makilala.

—-

Tuluyan ng iniwan ng ina ang mundong ibabaw,

Hindi na nahintay ang pagsikat ng haring araw

Hindi na nahintay ang pagbabalik ng anak

Di man lang naramdaman ang sigla at galak.

—-

Nakalulungkot isipin ang nangyari sa ina,

Na nagpalaki at nagpakain sa anak na walang kwenta

Buhay ay isinakripisyo, mapagtapos lang siya.

Kay pait ng tadhana, pinaasa lamang siya.

Advice From Someone Who Doesn’t Love

TO ALL —>

1. the SINGLE in the worLd:

- Be patient. Time is the best expression of love. Sooner or later, you will find your true love. Hindi mo pa nga sya natatagpuan sa ngayon. Pero who knows, baka bukas ay kapiling mo na sya.

2. the SINGLE loving silently:

- Be vocal. Be expressive. Huwag mong solohin ang pagmamahal. Spread it. Walang mangyayari nyan sa’yo. To love is to risk. Aminin mo sa kanya na mahal mo sya. Malay mo, mahal ka rin nya. Pero kung hindi ka nya mahal, ahm, eh, hmmmm, Think positive ka na lang. Haha.

3. engaged in a COMPLICATED relationship:

- Complications? It’s nonsense. If you really love each other, try to fight for. Shout it to the world. Overcome all the problems that make you life miserable. Those that hinder you to be legally accepted by all. Sayang naman kasi.

4. engaged in an UNCOMPLICATED relationship:

- Trust is the primary foundation of a true and passionate love. In a relationship, you should trust each other. Suspicion kills. don’t let your doubt ruin everything. Take care of your relationship.

5. HEARTBROKEN:

- You love. Expect to get hurt. Not everyone is engaged in a fairytale-like happy ending. Just think of this: “Fairy tales have happy endings. But still, they have ended.” Just let go. Move on. Learn to love again. In God’s time.

6. MARRIED ( Below 5 years) :

- Don’t celebrate. It’s just the start of the real challenges in marriage life. Pero sa ngayon, just enjoy it. Mag-anak kayo kung talagang mahal mo sya. Para at least, kapag nagsawa na sya sa’yo, may dahilan pa para balikan ka nya. Magtake advantage ka. Ha-ha.

7. MARRIED ( 5 years and above) :

- Wala akong masabi. Ang swerte nyo. He-he-he.

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Naniniwala ka ba sa mga sinabi ko sa itaas? Kung oo, tigilan mo na yan. Kung hindi, huwag mo nang balakin pa.

Malay ko ba naman sa pag-ibig na yan. Wala pa naman akong experience eh. Joke lang lahat ng binanggit ko. Ha-ha.

Oh ano? Maniniwala ka pa rin?

Akala Ko

10:25 p.m. Napaaga pa pala ako ng five minutes sa tagpuan natin. Five minutes na lang at darating ka na Erika. Siguro sa ngayon, ito na ang pinakamasaya at pinaka-exciting na gagawin ko. Mas pinili mo kasi na makasama ako kesa sa iba. I never expected na darating tayo sa puntong ito ng mga buhay natin. Siguro risky. Pero kakayanin ko. For you Erika. I love you. I really love you very much.

10:27 p.m. Da;awang minuto na ang nakakalipas. Tatlong minuto na lang at makakasama na kita. Ok nga pala ang oras ng usapan natin. Wala ng masyadong tao sa paligid. Madilim pa. Kung may tao man, hindi na siguro tayo makikilala pa. Mahal na mahal talaga kita. Alam kong mahal mo rin ako. Kasi, sa kabila ng kahirapan ko sa buhay, mas pinili mo pa ring makasama ako. Sayang. Kung mas expressive lang siguro ako,mas mararamdaman mo sana na mahal talaga kita.

10:29 p.m. Isang minuto na lang at darating ka na Erika. Makikita na ulet kita. Isang pamilyar na tunog ng sasakyan ang aking naulinigan. Hindi ako maaaring magkamali. Alam kong ikaw na nga yan, Erika. Isang uri ng kasiyahan ang aking naramdaman. Pero, mabilis lang. Napalitan ito ng pagtataka.

10:30 p.m. Tuluyan nang tumigil ang sasakyan sa harapan ko at iniluwal ka nito. Hindi ko alam kung anong ibig sabihin nito. Wala kang dalang gamit. Pero bakit? Kasunod mong bumaba ang dalawang bodyguards mo. Hindi ka naman siguro tanga Erika para magpaalam sa parents mo na magtatanan tayo. Para magdala pa ng bodyguards sa kasalanang gagawin natin.

10:33 p.m. Niyakap mo ako. “I love you, Ayan.” Binulong mo sakin, Erika. Gusto kitang yakapin. At tumugon sa ibinulong mo. Pero para akong tuod na niyakap mo, santong walang pakialam. Walang galaw. Walang emosyon. Pero napansin ko na tumutulo ang mga luha sa mukha ko. Bumitaw ka mula sa pagkakayakap. “I am sorry. Hindi tayo matutuloy. Nahuli ako nina Daddy at Mommy. Wala akong magawa. Pero mahal kita. Mahal na mahal. At alam kong alam mo yun, Ayan.” Tuluyan na ring tumulo ang kanina pang namumuong luha sa mga mata mo.

Gusto kong pahirin ang mga luha mo. Nasasaktan ako kapag nakikita kitang umiiyak. Pero tulad kanina, wala pa rin akong ginawa. Tuluyan ka nang dumistansya sakin. Lumapit ang isang bodyguard mo sa’yo at pinilit ka nyang papasukin muli sa kotse. Samantalang yung isang bodyguard naman eh naglakad papunta sa direksyon ko. Pagkalapit nya sakin, inundayan nya ako ng suntok sa mukha. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang sakit. Feeling ko na-deform ang mukha ko dahil sa kanya. Pero hindi kayang talunin ng pisikal ang emosyonal na sakit ko. Hinayaan ko na lang ang guard sa gusto nyang gawin sakin. Basta ang mata ko ay nasa iyo lamang, Erika. Isa pang suntok at nawalan na ako ng balanse at tuluyang bumagsak sa lupa. Pinabayaan ko na lang ang bodyguard sa kung anong gusto nyang gawin sakin. Kita pa rin kita Erika. Umiiyak ka pa rin. Yun lang. Yun lang ang ginawa mo. Ni hindi ka man lang nagpumiglas at pumilit na tumakas o lapitan ako.

Isa pang suntok sa sikmura. Sipa sa mukha. Kaladkad dito. Hila roon. Hanggang sa nagsawa rin ang hayop. Dumiretso sa kotse at tuluyang nang umalis kasama ka, Erika.

Naiwan akong nag-iisa sa kadiliman.

Wala na talaga akong ginawa. Nahiga lang. Wala na akong lakas para bumangon. Bakit pa? Para saan pa? Para kanino? Wala ng dahilan pa para mabuhay. Wala ng Erika. Kung mamamatay ako ngayon, ikatutuwa ko mpa.

Sayang Erika. Akala ko, mahal mo talaga ako.

Ipaglalaban ko sana ang pag-ibig natin. Kahit kapalit ng buhay ko. Kaso, sa una pa lamang, sumuko ka na.

Overpass

Kaninang umaga, naglalakad ako sa may kahabaan ng EDSA. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang init na sanhi ng El Niño at global warming. Langhap ko rin ang amoy ng usok na nanggagaling sa mga tambutso ng bawat sasakyan. Siguro, kung may bayad man ang paglanghap sa amoy ng usok na yon, baka ako na ang pinakamayaman ngayon sa buong mundo dahil sa sobrang trapik.

Naglakad ako kasi mas maaga ako makakarating sa lugar ng pinagtatrabahuhan ko kesa kapag nagsakay ako. Ang gaan-gaan ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. Parang walang problema. Walang tinik sa aking lalamunan. Sarap pa rin palang mabuhay sa panahon ngayon.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nakakahinga ako nang maluwag ngayon. Hindi naman ako na-promote sa trabaho. Hindi naman ako nanalo sa lotto at lalong hindi pa naman bababa sa pwesto si Gloria. Basta iba ang pakiramdam ko.

Tinahak ko ang overpass nang walang pag-aalinlangan. Syempre, doon naman kasi ang daan ko. Nung umaakyat na ako sa may hagdan, paglingon ko sa likod, may napansin akong pamilyar na babae. Maganda sya. Maputi at matangkad.

Pamilyar talaga sya sakin. Napamangha naman ako sa kanya. Maganda kasi talaga sya.

“Andro? Ikaw na ba yan?” sabi nung babae sakin.

Napanganga lang ako. Bakit nya ako kilala?, sa isip-isip ko. Hindiko talaga sya maalala. Ngumanga na lang ako kunwari e gulat na gulat na muli kaming nagkita. Feeling close kumbaga. Kung anuman ang nakaraan namin, wala talaga akong maalala.

“Andro!” sabay yakap sakin nung babae. Naluluha-luha pa. Ymakap na rin ako. Nagtake-advantage. Naku, patawarin sana ako ng nasa itaas.

Hindi pa rin ako umiimik.

“Totoo pa lang nakalimutan mo na ako. Nagbalik pa naman ako para sayo.” Patuloy nung babae.

Oo nga, siguro, sagot kong muli sa utak ko. Hindi nga kita kilala eh. Hehehe. Yan ang gusto ko sanang sabihin dun sa babae. Kaso, baka naman ma-offend.

Kaya ang mga salitang tanging namutawi sa bibig ko eh:

“Hindi ako nakalimot. Ikaw ang nang-iwan.” At tuluyan ko nang inwan ang babae. Nakita ko na lamang syang umiiyak. Pero, nagpatuloy lang ako sa paglalakad. Ayokong ma-late sa trabaho ko.

Pagdating ko sa opisina, nakita ko sa drawer ko ang picture nya. At noon ko naalala ang lahat. Sya nga pala yung sinulot ko sa bestfriend ko nun.

[Kamot sa ulo]