Has God Abandoned Me?

Has God really abandoned me?

It’s the question that has repeatedly popped on my mind for so long. Shouldering all the misfortunes in life has been the main reason why this question continues to live within my bitter heart. It feels like dying.

The death of my wife and son hit me like a cold and sharp-pointed knife directed through my heart. That was unexpected. As fragile as a glass, my wholeness was divided into shards. I was broken. The reason of their death? My wife’s sensitive delivery. I was miserable. I thought I was going crazy.

I was very emotional. I could not function well. I brought this problem and the sick feeling in my company. I failed to work well. I was careless. Stupid. But what could I do? I lost my family. Didn’t I have any right to grieve over my loss? Good thing, I was able to grieve over the death of my son and wife. The bad thing was, I still did not move on. And the next thing I knew? I was fired. No family. No work. I was broken. I was broke.

My mother was ill. My brother had been sent to jail. I was just so unlucky I wanted to die.

Dying. Since then, it had been my goal. Once, I unknowingly tried to attain it. I was out of my mind.

Has God really abandoned me? God. God. I hated him. I detested him. I just wished i was not born at all.

God. I searched God. Everywhere. I searched Him in every church, school, restaurant. Everywhere. Too bad, I didn’t find him. Has God really abandoned me?

I tried to commit suicide. I jumped from the overpass. I tried to resist myself from shouting. I didn’t know how to react. I just found myself mumbling a prayer.

And then I fell. I didn’t know if I was unconscious. Or dead. I could just see a total darkness. Then pure white. There was a silhouette of a man. He was asking me to stand up. And when I did, I found myself in the dump truck. Beside me was a smiling image of Sto. Nino. Upon seeing his smile, I could not help myself but to smile too.

Has God really abandoned me? I think this has been answered. No. God has not really abandoned me. I have abandoned him. I know He was giving me a second chance. To live and change.

I searched God. Everywhere. I searched Him in every church, school, restaurant. Everywhere. Too bad, I didn’t find him. But He found me.

After that incident, I decided to go back to our house. I took care of my sick mother. I visited my brother in the jail. I went to the cemetery.

And I found myself walking toward the nearby church.

It was refreshing. There was a sense of rejuvenation, of rebirth. I gave a sigh of relief. An emotion felt after surpassing all the storms in life. Standing still. And alive. Being able to still be linked with God.